Mindfully Blooming

Getting lost Going high The juxtaposition of  Day and Night. Wandering the Earth Not finding my way Trapped in my thoughts  Locked within my soul. Black and white, Grey skies, Clouds above, Exquisite skylines. Worth looking up, Worth dancing with the stars, Worth staying around To witness, to enjoy The tingling of your eyes,  The smiles of your heart,  You warmth, your hugs,  And the plans we have for us.  

  ‘Jump, leap!’ Said my intuition. ‘Wait!’ Cried my fear.  ‘I’m not quite sure, something might go wrong.’  'You’ve got nothing to lose but the unnecessary darkness  That is dragging you down! Come on, please trust!’ My intuition invitingly whispered. ‘I could. I might.’ Fear offered. ‘What are you waiting for my love?’ Intuition knew a cosmic nudge was needed. Fear sighed . ‘It might not work.’  ‘What if it does?’  Fear's eyes lit up , ‘Then I’d be free.’ 'And wouldn't that be a divine, exquisite feeling?' Intuition said. 'Yes, it would. I'd be untethered, unbound; Liberty would walk next to me and hold my hand.' 'Then you have nothing to lose And everything to win.' Fear hugged Intuition,  Their friendship was one to be nurtured  For in their timeless juxtaposition There was truth And, above all, love.

Claustrophobic heart within a tight chest, Hard to breathe, hard to be. Trapped within this human body It is alluring to jump  Time and time again; Tempting to vanish in the universal ether, To go back to light source, To a dimension of love and light.  Homesick for a place  I know not and yet Recognise as my home.

Frozen in place,  Standing on the edge,  Time and time again Coming back to the verge. Dare I jump?  Feel powerlessly trapped. Tempting to leap  Into the abysmal dark.  The engulfing pain  Stares back, mirroring  My doubts, longing and question marks.  Break free, run,  Don't let it take hold of your mind.

  What if?  What if it’s yes? What if it’s no? The entangled loops of my never ending train of thoughts. Time.  Time spent thinking,  Brooding, back and forth,  The endless scenarios Of my tired, ancient, evolving soul.  What if I could transform And morph, leave the fears behind and just leap into the void?  Liberating at best,  Nothing I could not enjoy;  I’d learn, I’d grow,  I’d venture out of my comfort zone. 

  And in the morning you'll remember What you forgot at night The shadows of the past will be gone  And you'll see nothing but the light.  ~ And if the shadows take a step aside And let me breathe alive,  Then I’ll gratefully smile  And hug myself tight.  Nothing really has the power  To vanquish them from my life,  Only myself and my courageous heart.  Tiring at times, I think of the point  Of being alive  But nothing will ever prevent me  From rejoicing in the warming sun, In the ethereal stars.  Few understand the paradox of light and dark,  And the journey of a thousand scars Which I sometimes don't share not to disconcert  People around.  I do have dreams though, I do want to breathe alive,  I want to thrive, and grow and create;  To make a difference,  To love, t o help.  So when the shadows say hi again,  I will politely greet them but send them  On their way. ...

  Wanting to stop, Craving to slow down,  Longing for the sweet serenity of mind; The demons are getting louder this winter time.  A scary cycle sometimes, how the mind Can lead you to believe you are running out of time. Does time exist though love?  Or is it an illusion to masterfully mask? Mask the past, present and future times;  How can one know where one stands? Why am I creating these scenarios in my exhausted mind? Blending of all times, I rather live in the now.  After all, that’s all we have:  Memories belong to the past And anxiety comes from the upcoming now,  In the year 2029. But I can cultivate this breath now,  Nurture myself right now,  Inhale in, exhale out.  What am I running towards? 

  Run, jump, walk,  Do anything but retrieve into  The cave of your anxious thoughts;  Ingrained in your DNA now perhaps But you need to let go,  You need to run away from the claws  Of what brings you down.  Smile at what makes you dance, Embrace the messiness but  Let go of it in time,  Learn, always from life But do not cling to the fears Of that which goes beyond your eyes.

  A nd at the end of the day Remember that the beauty of the sky  Lies not only in the brightness and warmth of the sun,  And in the clear canvas of the cerulean above But also in the passing and rolling of the clouds,  The tears of the stars, And the menacingly ominous clouds.  It is in the darkness  That we appreciate the light,  In the getting lost,  That we appreciate being found,  In the tears,  That we appreciate the smiles.  Embrace the juxtaposition  Of your experiences,  Embrace every shade Of the prism of your life.  Live. Breathe.  Rejoice in the knowledge that  You are loved. 

Standing on the edge. Wanting to jump. Looking at my life. Leaving everything behind. I felt that way  For a long, hard time, Unbearable minutes Filled with suffocating dark. Things change, If willing, you see the light; You want to retrieve that step, Stay away from the once alluring dark.  The darkness might linger at times, Important to be firm, to not let it pass; Yes, it'll be overcast sometimes But the moon will always shine its magic, its purifying light.  You will cry.  Y ou will breathe.  You will be human, you will be alive. 

The leaves were turning ochre, cherry and amber and she knew. She knew the season of engulfing darkness was lingering all around and she feared it. She feared the darkness, the extreme silence and the fading light; she feared the ticking clock of light and the solitude of her days, the distance between him and her, the neverending steps to maybe one day take.  And yet, she embraced it all for she knew that every day had its night and that every light had its dark; she knew that silence allowed her to be with her deep, raw thoughts and that, despite the lingering demons, she could grow and learn and move forward. Every day allowed her to learn something new and the unknown seduced her. Her curiosity was deeper and more powerful than her fear, her tears came from a longing rooted in her soul and she could not let go; she had to carry on and discover what she was being called to do.  Crawling, walking, running. It didn’t matter how she did it but she knew that something had to ch...

  Born as me, I chose this life.  I patiently waited and  Then I saw the light.  July it was and to everyone's delight,  I had big rosy cheeks, I was kind and shy.  A happy childhood, we were the Fantastic Four,  Mum and dad argued,  Never really saw them in love.  At least I can't remember Any loving words.  It didn't matter, we had each other.  We were four and I loved having brothers.  Time went on, the Big Bang of our lives; One of us left and the rest had to Stay afloat.  Today you would've turned 33. I think of you, I wish you peace  Wherever you are free.  'How ya doin'?' resonates in my mind,  You were always a clever clown,  Still to this day I can hear us laugh.  Love you, always August boy. 

  ‘I’m fine. I’d been saying that for so long that it was a subconscious impulse. I got this. I not only said it to everyone around me, but to myself. Did I actually believe it? And how often had it been true? I’m fine was a mask I had become so comfortable wearing that I'd long forgotten I was still hiding behind it. And that’s what I was doing. Hiding. Hiding the parts of me that were weak, and vulnerable, driven by a potent cocktail of fear and shame.’  Claire Nelson, Things I Learned from Falling ~ I’m fine. I am okay. Countless times I’ve said those words without really wanting to put the mask away. I was not fine, I was not okay but I thought the pressure was less if I hid the truth away. But what was the truth? The truth was I could no longer carry on, I could no longer vividly and genuinely smile a true, big smile without feeling that it was tinted with sadness and anguish, overwhelment and hopelessness. But people could not see because that was not me, surely. I was a...

  'The fog mirrored her state of mind so perfectly she felt as if she were walking through her own brain: a haze of formless, pervasive emotion, nothing she could grasp, but full of looming thoughts that appeared from nowhere, startling her, then receded into whiteness again before she was even sure what she had seen.' Little Fires Everywhere ~ In the uncertainty of it all We can return to our breath, To our soul.  Sometimes we forget that which is nothing But straight:  To breathe is to live,  To live is to breathe. Let thoughts and threats  Vanish away,  Let the light in, Breathe again.  ~ My breath is my anchor I ground through my breath, I inhale the peace I exhale the shame.  When all is dark My breath is there, It hears my prayers, It makes me aware.  ~ I don't let go,  I forever hold on  To my breath And the beating of my soul    That makes me smile,  That helps me breathe,  That reassures me it'll all pas...

'The only failure is not learning from experience.' Sahara Rose, Discover Your Dharma For longer than I'd like to admit, I didn't feel 'pretty.' Pretty can have such a superficial undertone but that is a popular term that is still nowadays ubiquitously used to define people's appearance, mostly women. In all honesty, I used my physical appearance as a compass for beauty and though I wasn't a shallow person, I still couldn't fully embrace myself for who I was on the whole. For many years I felt different because of my many, unique physical qualities: ptosis on my left eyelid together with a different eye colour and excess pigmentation (all on the same eye!); plus uneven ears, 'bended' middle fingers (on both hands) and my hairy arms, legs and armpits due to my borderline anorexia back in my early teens. For years I felt less than and, definitely, not good enough and it was exhausting .  Being bombarded by neverending, outer opinions and unca...