Raw Anxiety: A Moment of Darkness

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Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained. 

Arthur Somers Roche 

Journal entry: 28th June, 2020

It had been a good day. I had had a moment in front of the mirror just saying how many things I was grateful for and now I feel like this; there is a feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I feel sensitive and want to cry. What is happening? I felt so peaceful and now I am on the verge... There is a pit in my stomach and I want to jump; mesmerised by the light of the candle, I want to dance and vanish, become extinguished like it will not long from now, time's ticking for that flame. He asked me how my evening was and I haven't answered yet because I don't know what to say. I am in pain. I am okay. I want to cry. I want to dance away. I want to vanish in the forever horizon and fade away. So much to do, so little time, never enough in all my lives...Do I want to exist or evaporate? What would it mean to not be? Why would I play with such darkness? I'm empty. I can't see. I'm blinded by all that's around me. Will the veil ever fall? Will I set myself free? Will all the books I read ever help me breathe? I feel lonely, I feel empty; I want to cry, and run, and fly, and fall to rise higher again and dive deep with the whales. It's okay. 

Tears may roll down your cheeks but it's okay; you can curl up and not let anyone see those salty gems. I am tired, I thought I was okay, but time in my hands to think has made my fears and anxiety roar. I want to swim and vanish, block the noise and not think. It hurts. So much to do, so little time. I've been having these nightmares. Are they a sign it's time to say goodbye? Why do I feel so empty and lonely sometimes when I have so many people around who love me? I go from the high highs to the low lows; I visit all the colours of the rainbow, back and forth...Sometimes I cannot stop. I want to get off the rollercoaster and stop. I want to breathe without pain. I know life will take me up and down, North, South, left, right, East, West; sometimes it's too much and I wonder whether I can do it one more time or just give up. My darkness is talking now, I know that. It's not my most loving, shiny, positive self and that is the side I will always prefer but my darkness has a right to speak and take over sometimes. What would the point of condemning it to the engulfing, terrifying dark be? Even that side is scared of my dark...or maybe it's just me. 

 Just breathe little one, let it all out. You'll be okay, you'll be alright; breathe in and out. You're human, you're safe and sound. Just breathe now, one more time. You can do it little one. I love you. 



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