Belonging

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How many times have we felt awkward? How many times have we felt that we do not belong? Have many times have we put ourselves in situations we did not want to be in just because we did not know how to say 'no'? I've definitely been there. When I was younger, I used to be -sometimes painfully- shy, I would struggle with making decisions and considered myself rather introverted but I only understood that side of my being years later. I definitely bloomed as time went by but I am still a proud introvert and I embrace my full self. 

A couple of years ago I came across Dr. Brené Brown who really shifted many of my perceptions and has given me a clearer, more real lense through which to look at myself and the world around me. In Braving the Wilderness, she wrote, 'Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours.' When I finished reading that line, I read it again. And again. And again. It resonated so much with me that I could not help but smile and feel reassured. For a long time, I sought validation outside myself and did not really understand what belonging was. Many times I felt like an outsider, both because some people made me feel like that and also because I placed myself there. Many years later I would understand why I'd felt like that, why I'd felt I was the different, the black sheep, the other...How proud I am how having been that!  
The more I read about the work of Dr Brown the more identified I felt with what she was straightforwardly expressing in her lines. One of the passages that rang true to me and made me feel completely understood was the following one, 
'Belonging so fully to yourself that you’re willing to stand alone is a wilderness- an untamed, unpredictable place of solitude and searching. It is a place as dangerous as it is breathtaking, a place as sought after as it is feared. The wilderness can often feel unholy because we can’t control it, or what people think about our choice of whether to venture into that vastness or not. But it turns out to be the place of true belonging, and it’s the bravest and most sacred place you will ever stand.' 
True belonging. The moment I read those lines I realised that was all I ever wanted: to truly belong to myself, to fully accept and embrace all of myself. As cliché as it may sound, for many years I struggled with fully, deeply, and lovingly accepting myself because of rooted social conditioning which led to lack of real self-love. It took me a long time to understand my resistance to myself and to process it and convert it into real, unconditional self-love. But it was worth it. It was worth every single breath to get there. In all honesty, I still have some moments when I may judge myself in one way or the other but, at the end of each day, I am grateful for who I am, the complexity of my character and the colourful scars of the years lived as well as all the moments experienced; the conversations with myself and the lines written down. 
Joseph Campbell once said, ‘If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path’. In my thirties now I can say that I am deeply grateful to be living my life and creating my path; no longer as conditioned by other people's expectations and models, desires and dreams but mine. I wholeheartedly believe that there is nothing more beautiful than to be in constant conversation with yourself to understand your whole self. Yes, it might be uncomfortable and difficult but to have an open dialogue with yourself is one of the most uplifting, liberating and reassuring things you can do for your wellbeing. Some of the ways I deeply connect with myself is through journaling -the practice that represents one of my havens-, being in nature and writing these blog posts (whether I post them or not.) I find that writing things down is a clear way to process my thoughts and open that reflective dialogue with myself. It is a non-negotiable practise for me and one I will never give up. It is who I am, it helps me see the world around. 



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