Mindfully Blooming

“A good story begins at the moment when our comfortable reality is challenged. We often find ourselves in new realities- a new school, job, relationship or country, any of which demand some reinvention of ‘belonging’.” Shaun Tan This resonated with me the moment I read it. I did definitely reinvent myself and my sense of belonging c ountless times , even though at points I could not even process it in a ‘deep’ way, I just lived my life –and the new shades of it- however I knew how. For sure though, my reality, my comfortable reality, has been challenged many times and I have had to pause, to stop and think about how to move forward, even when I didn’t recognise the surroundings, and life as I knew it was no longer. It has happened many times and will continue to happen because that is life and that is how you grow: you step into the unknown, you venture into the wild and hope that things will work and you will learn, survive, thrive…You swim into that deep ocean even when the...

I saw this reflection on social media and, given what I have been going through, it made me feel held, supported, understood, loved, encouraged and seen.  It might help you too... It's okay if you thought you were over it, but it hits you all over again.  It's okay to fall apart even if  you thought you had it under control.  You are not weak.  Healing is messy. And there is no timeline for Healing. 

The following poem was written in a very dark moment but there was never a threat to my life. I was not sure about sharing but thought that, actually, it might help someone feel understood, not alone. At some point in our lives, we will go through dark clouds, seasons, moments and it is ok to acknowledge them, feel the feeling and then go back up. Life is too beautiful not to live it.  Stop following me, Stop intimidating me, Stop scarying me with Your menacing darkness. I want to go back up, Back to the light and love, Back to my positive self Who would never give up because, Right now, I wouldn't walk away From the tempting, alluring dark. I want to hide, I want to fly, Talk to no one about my life. How would it feel to die? How would it feel to conceal The 'goodbye' and silently fly high? I've got the feeling that, Though surrounded by love, The goodbye wouldn't affect them that hard. I got this voice in my head D...

'Nothing in our lives is meant to be feared or forced away, it is through acceptance and exploration of these aspects that we find the peace we are longing for.'  Sarah Blondin in her Transforming Fear meditation. I smile but I am broken, I bring light but I carry darkness; I cry uncontrollably But they wouldn't know. Why cannot I breathe? I want to slip under, unnoticed. Who would notice anyway? I want to leave quietly through the back door And not stir a movement. No one would notice, Days would pass. Eventually they'd know But it'd be too late. Why cannot I breathe? This pressure on my chest has been My friend for a while now. It pushes me, and pushes me until I feel trapped And out of breath. Why cannot I breathe?

I am used to sharing my demons with myself,  To not let them trouble anybody else;  I'm used to restraining them from jumping on people around And used to chatting to them at night.  I am used to hiding them behind the ‘ I’m okay ’ Not to ‘inconvenience’ people Or make them run away.  I know it’s not healthy, I know it's not great So for a long time I’ve deliberately worked On letting them see the light of day, No longer hiding them behind the ‘ All is well .’  It  is  hard work to deal with them, To negotiate, to give and take; To dance, to talk, to play with them.  Sometimes they’ll hide themselves For months on end,  I’ll breathe easily and forget our affairs.  Eventually though, They’ll come out and tear my head, They’ll unapologetically jump all around, scream away And state it’s that time again. They’ll never mean to hurt me though  But will always be that way Until I learn ...

Inspired by one of Sarah Blondin's meditations  ( Practising Gentle Kindness Toward Ourself ) I see the light but only briefly, I know what’s on the other side But I cannot move myself closer. Fear paralyses me, the breath leaves my body, Loneliness blinds me and The dark shadows hold on tight. I want to leave all this behind, Though at points I don’t know how. I hear ‘ Don’t give up, hold on tight ’, I know love is all around And that light will always come and shine. I know shadows will leave and Hands will always be extended out to me. I know I am not alone Even though at points it feels so.

This pain scares my heart, This pressure nudges me to give up. Living like this makes me Want to fade away and fly; I just want to cry, I want to hide and cry. I cannot breathe easily, The pressure strangles my lungs. Racing all the time, My heart wants to give up. I’m unsteady, I’m broken, My light fading in the open. Though I feel the anxiety, The pressure and the pain, At the same time, It is not my own self. It feels I’m looking at My suffering self from afar And hardly know that former light. I am darkness, I am tears And I am the night. No longer the smile, the day, the light. Only darkness, no more light.

I want to disappear I want to evaporate I want to vanish, And play no games. It's all become so tiring That I want to just stop, Worry about nothing And let it all go. Help me, help me, help me, I know not what to do. It's all so dark in here That I feel nothing but blue. The pressure is high, The energy is low, I feel like drowning, I know not what to do. I keep on smiling but that'll stop. I feel like crying more and more. The pressure on my chest, it won't just go. I want to hide and run no more.

In the silence of my home I can face my demons, We all have them and Though some are shy and hide, Like mine,  Once in a while, They’ll creep out and reap havoc. I’ll shake, cry, and wish to hide; My positive self will vanish in the ether And darkness will engulf me. I’ll wish to close my eyes Never to open them again; I’ll convulse in the pain of my soul And ask the universe to let me go… It is a terrifying place to be And I don’t recognise myself there But I know she is me and I am her. I hold her and walk by her side. I cannot erase the pain, only Allow it to morph And trust that it’ll eventually Want to say ‘goodbye.’ Until next time, I’ll pick up the pieces And rearrange them to create my new me. I’ll trust that it is my journey And gracefully, bravely Face what needs to heal.

'Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born.'  Charles Chaplin So badly I want to collide, For the rest of my life With you by my side. ... We were stars on our own path, Living our lives and dreaming of the skies. But one day we found each other And drawn by our lights, We collided and fell in love. We fell in love with the words, The values, the gestures; We fell in love with the smiles, The sights and our holding of hands. We collided, we crashed, we felt alive. We fell in love with our time And the dreaming of our plans, The cuddling, the kissing and The caressing of our hearts. We were solitary stars, Seeking for a partner with whom to plan, Seeking for a soul that glittered in the dark. We found in each other Kind, adventurous eyes. Walks, walks and walks, With nature all around, How we loved those moments The sharing of our time. We collided, we crashed, we felt alive. I kn...