Ludovico Einaudi

-
I discovered Ludovico Einaudi few days ago and instantly feel in love with his music. I downloaded Seven Days Walking and went for a walk in the park. I cried and walked, cried and walked and listened to the beautiful melodies. It was cathartic and liberating, cleansing and empowering. I smiled. I felt grateful. While walking, I had to stop at times to write things down as the music was triggering emotions and words were bubbling up.

 I cannot remember in what order these random thoughts came but here they exist, unedited:

 Why do we love? It hurts, it pains, it stings. Why do we love? It tires you, it drains you, it tears your heart. It exhausts you without a shadow of a doubt. Why do we love when it hurts so much to be apart?

It hurts because I care, I care because it’s him, it hurts because I love him. Love hurts. Yes, I know. Love hurts because we are playing with magic and with the heart. We are prisioners of the heart and are undeniably vulnerable. But, what a privilege to be vulnerable with him, to create together, to miss him, to hug him, to love him. What a privilege to feel his heart and his lips; to feel his warmth and to be embraced by his reassurance not only when we’re intoxicated with our love but when my world is crumbling down, when I’m in the claws of a panic attack. Forehead against forehead I breathe alive. 

      I was shaped by loss, I was shaped by gains. I was shaped by life. Every soaring high and every crushing low made me who I am today, this second, sitting on this park bench admiring the perfectly blue sky in this May day. The tree in front of me teaching me how to live: just be. They all do: mayflies, birds and butterflies; rabbits, bumblebees, and ants, they just are. No expectations, no pressure, no cry. 

      I spiralled down and I couldn’t swim up, nothing but darkness all around even though the sun was high up and butterflies flew past. Neither yellow flowers not the whites ones could make me smile. You’re not by my side, the lost mist is here now. Night.

      I willingly gave a portion of my heart away. I did because I knew. I knew you were pure, kind and we were just meant to meet and create this magic. Not seeing you today broke me. Neither your fault nor mine but I cried. I walked and cried, and tears rolled down. I couldn’t help it. I know. I also cry because I feel lonely, the ascent is hard at times even though I know I won’t drown.
And then, in the evening, while listening to Ascent Day 2, I wrote:

 Pain is tangible, it manifests itself as an unwanted guest in my chest and claims residency there. Amidst the arrhythmic rising and falling of my melancholic breathing, it reminds me that pain is a fee every human has to pay at different points in life; those sad, unwanted moments will come and go because life is certainly not a bed of roses but, oh how worth living for!

 Quite frequently music will have that effect on me: it will uncover pockets of my being where there are ideas, emotions, feelings eager to go out and explore freely. So I let them and it's beautiful to see them morph and take different shapes. It is how I express myself and music has been one of the vessels that has encouraged that exploration. 

 Fall in love with this one.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Breathe

-
It all started with the breath; the intake of air that filled our lungs and gave us life; the magical inhale and exhale that allowed us to embrace our existence on this earth. 'Just' air. We left the safety of water and cried because we were ripped from our ever-flowing home but, soon enough, we learnt that there was another element that gave us life and allowed us to be: air, the ethereal vehicle for our waking and being.  We’ve been breathing since the moment we were born and that is the only thing that distinguishes the dead from the living; breathing, being, the beautiful existence on this earth plane. Oftentimes, we take our breath for granted and forget its life-giving force; we forget that if we don’t fully breathe, then we are not truly living. Us, human beings, sometimes forget to wholly, deeply, lovingly breathe and, as a result, we feel constricted by life. The lack of air makes us feel trapped, claustrophobic and, at points, lost. Well, at least that’s how I have f...
Read more

Poem: If I Were to Die Young

-
Image
If I were to die young, I’d be grateful for the whole of my life: The pains, the scars, the blessings in disguise; The ups, the downs and the shades all around. I’d be grateful for the smiles, the hugs and the laughs, The rainbows, the sun and magical dragonflies. If I were to die young, I’d look at the sky, I’d admire the hues of Blue, pink, and yellow one more time; I’d dance, skip and twirl around, Worry about nothing and marvel at this life. If I were to die young, I wouldn’t ask the universe ‘why?’, I’d trust in the perfect timing of this stunning, unique and blessed life; I’d say my goodbyes if allowed to do that And hug you all tight, tighter than tight. If I were to die young, I’d be proud and grateful that I’ve tried, Tried to learn, to grow, to love; Tried to help to make this world A warmer shade of bright. If I were to die young I’d melt into the sky, I’d play with...
Read more

Raw Anxiety Poem: My Demons with Myself

-
Image
I am used to sharing my demons with myself,  To not let them trouble anybody else;  I'm used to restraining them from jumping on people around And used to chatting to them at night.  I am used to hiding them behind the ‘ I’m okay ’ Not to ‘inconvenience’ people Or make them run away.  I know it’s not healthy, I know it's not great So for a long time I’ve deliberately worked On letting them see the light of day, No longer hiding them behind the ‘ All is well .’  It  is  hard work to deal with them, To negotiate, to give and take; To dance, to talk, to play with them.  Sometimes they’ll hide themselves For months on end,  I’ll breathe easily and forget our affairs.  Eventually though, They’ll come out and tear my head, They’ll unapologetically jump all around, scream away And state it’s that time again. They’ll never mean to hurt me though  But will always be that way Until I learn ...
Read more